Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh