A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Godspeed, John Glenn
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]