Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
spicy snake
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space