If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
You Might Also Like
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏