True
You Might Also Like
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
dutch is not a serious language
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?