Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!