It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Baller is short for ballerina
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’m calling the cops.