-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.