I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.