The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
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me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”