California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
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me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.