*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage