Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
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Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Seems legit
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere