*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
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If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Kids, do not try this at home!
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
The booster protects against what, now?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.