I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.