Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
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I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Dead sexy!!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”