My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.