Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
You Might Also Like
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*