COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
LMAO
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money