Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.