I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
me and my fake scenarios
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.