I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
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[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.