At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Got him!
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
The news is so predictable nowadays
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.