Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong