I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
#FunnyLife Insects
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
The days of good grammer has went
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too