Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
the composer
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.