My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Get in loser we’re going crying
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.