We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
early stone age tool