8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
You Might Also Like
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”