My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
barbara was highly relatable
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!