[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead