*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married