United Steaks of America
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Many hands make light work
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.