Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
You Might Also Like
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Meow
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.