Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.