[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
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“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
who wants to go expliring
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.