Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
guys I’m going home
😂💯
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway