“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life