Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Animal poetry
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Schrödinger’s cookie
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?