I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
You Might Also Like
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please