Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
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Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Legend 🤣🤣
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
do what now??
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.