An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.