me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
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If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
That’s easy for you to say
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that