Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-