A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
You Might Also Like
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.