You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Bread puns are on the rise!