Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
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barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud