Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.