Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.