wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Every time my phone rings
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher